How does a person explain days like these? Kind of like you’re just blithely tripping through life and this is the day where you actually stumble and fall and just kind of sit there dazed, unsure of how it really happened. Weird thing is, you can’t seem to find the reason for sitting there on the floor.
I was literally sitting on the floor in front of my hall closet a while ago wondering why it’s easier to feel sad when reminiscing than happy, even when the memories themselves bring smiles. Seems like the most innocent things bring about that nostalgic feeling, which in my experience at least, almost always makes me feel like crying.
I found a box of miscellaneous little trinkets today that I had completely forgotten about and i think it’s pretty safe to say that I can largely blame that box for my current mood. Well, that’s not entirely fair. The box itself hardly caused me to tear up. The contents included a dreamcatcher that Jerry Moore gave me for my wedding that I’ve searched high and low for and had finally concluded that it didn’t make it down here with me, a birthday card Noah gave me a couple years ago that made me think about the fact that I may never see him again, the picture that Reb, Ang, Jordy, and I had made at the fair in 2004 (I only remember the year because it was right after I came back from Texas…that vacation made an impact on me for some reason!!)…that’s where the weird nostalgic, sad feeling came in thats hard to understand. I mean, we’re all so HAPPY in that picture. There was also a PRBC directory and when I flipped through it at least fifty percent of the people aren’t there anymore for one reason or another. Even the little white boxes from Zales that housed our wedding rings made me kind of sad. Like…how on earth did that already happen? I also found a keychain that I KNOW someone gave me but can’t for the life of me remember who or why it was important. That just made me sad cause it makes me feel like I’m losing my mind!! And finally, as the grand finale, stuck on the very bottom was the printout I got at Gary’s funeral. And you know, it’s been years now and someohow I still miss Gary. Not that we were best friends or anything…but he was just so much a part of life. Sometimes when I’m at home I still expect to look over and see him sitting at the kitchen table with my dad drinking coffee and teasing him mercilessly. Time does strange things though…I never see him as he was those last couple years…I only remember him as strong and healthy…it was hard to ever really see Gary as anything BUT that.
Before Gary died I had only been to one funeral in my whole life, and that was one that my dad conducted in the early years in Portland for someone I didn’t even really know. Since Garys funeral I’ve been to four others, including my grandfathers last week. Gary’s was both the hardest and the happiest…now how is that possible?
I’ve always been the kind of person who was very squeamish around death. I avoid open caskets at any cost, and don’t for the life of me understand how people can walk up and touch a dead person, no matter how much that person meant to them. Maybe someday I’ll understand, but I doubt it. I actually watched my grandfather die though, and stayed in the room with him for several hours after, and it wasn’t as terrible as I imagined it would be, although it wasn’t something I ever really wanted to witness. It was pretty amazing to think that the second he stopped suffering here he was with GOD in heaven…I’m not sure how people that don’t believe make it through the death of a loved one. I think I understand those verses better now about the sting of death. I lost a little niece last week also…it’s hard to understand why babies die, or why people like Caleb and Heather have to suffer so much. I’m not asking for an answer, I’m just saying it’s hard.
I’m really not feeling as morbid as this post suggests, just contemplative. Maybe it’s everything that’s been happening. Or maybe it’s just all this rain.