I’ve learned that whenever I finally convince myself to stop and look deep within myself….it’s not going to be a pretty picture. Usually this occurs because I’ve been hating myself for quite a while but just haven’t had the guts to really take a look at what the problem is. There is usually a gigantic layering of pride between what I can see and whatever it is that is making me what I am.
Lately, I’ve been a complete monster. I hate admitting that, but it is the cold, hard truth. I don’t feel well, and the doctor prescribed Unisom (a sleep aid) to help control the nausea. So I’m either feeling utterly wretched or walking around in a fog. The pills literally dull my senses to the point I feel like I’m sleepwalking. I have found myself yelling at Susannah, snapping constantly at Jeremy, grouchy with strangers and friends alike, unwilling to participate in anything, including church, angry, depressed, unhappy with my preganancy, the list goes on.
So…a monster. Not a person. And I hate myself for it. So at some point I have to realize that the only person who can change me…is me. Well, God can, but not until I’m willing to let him have control. And therein lies the Real problem. I’ve shamefully neglected my time with the Lord, made excuses, and just not cared. I am making a real effort to get back in the Word, pray often (as in more than at mealtime!), memorize Scripture, and just meditate on the things that I should be.
It is amazing how much more energy I have when I pray that the Lord help me through the days. Maybe its simply because I am dwelling on more than just ME.